JACKSON, TN – Pine View Methodist Church in Pine View, TN is generally known for its love and compassion in the community, but a recent addition to its church grounds may impact public opinion for the worse. Earlier in October, pastor Felix Comrade II had a motion-activated sprinkler system installed along the walkway to his house, which is attached to the Church building.

In a decision that bypassed an official elder vote, Comrade decided he and the church needed to take more drastic measures to keep evil trick-or-treaters off church property. "In the past we've used more subtle methods," Comrade began. "You know, turning off the porch light, closing the blinds, and posting 'Satan and Sinners Be Gone!' signs in the front yard. But we would inevitable hear dozens of doorbells and knocks each time. I'm tired of having to rebuke these kids for their sins each time they come asking for handouts! And then there were the eggs…"

The new system combines a standard sprinkler system with the technology used in motion-triggered floodlights. Comrade explained, "Basically, if you walk up to my door looking for candy you'll activate the sprinklers and get drenched!"

It seems as if Comrade is looking to punish as much as he is looking to dissuade. The motion detector is positioned such that a person must walk almost half way up the walkway before the entire walkway of sprinklers is activated. Furthermore, he added an unnecessarily difficult to open (and spring-closing) gate at the entrance to the walkway.

When questioned regarding Pine View's tradition of love and compassion, Comrade conceded, "I admit, I probably should've thought this one through a little more. My family uses that walkway most every day. And I didn't think to install a manual override control or a switch that would disable the motion-activation. What kind of loving spouse and father would do that?"

As Halloween approaches, Felix Comrade has high hopes of deterring trick-or-treaters for good. Most of his neighbors agree that although his methods are questionable they will probably prove effective.

Steve Burrows, an elder at Pine View, commented, "We were thinking about getting a sprinkler system, anyway."