President Bush Needs Votes

BIRMINGHAM, AL – With his conservative base crumbling beneath him, President George W. Bush made a swing through the Bible belt earlier this month, headlining several events in the Deep South. The trip culminated in a speech before the National Fundamentalist Christian Coalition's annual meeting and hog roast here, where President Bush promised to award the federal government's Most Favored Translation status to the enduring conservative favorite King James Version of the Bible.

"I stand for supporting institutions that have formed the foundation of our Republic," an energized Bush proclaimed. "The traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a woman, the sanctity of human life, and the Authoritized (sic) King James Version of the Bible are part of the bedrock of our great nation."

A recent Zogby poll has shown that 1 in 5 Republicans are not committed to voting for Bush in November, and many conservative Christians have had trouble accepting the wide reaching implications of the President's "No Child Left Behind" education plan and the Patriot Act. By utilizing the little-used Most Favored Translation status for the King James, Bush hopes to bring those voters back into the fold.

First established by President Eisenhower, the MFT was last used by President Reagan in the midst of news stories reporting that he regularly consulted a medium. In an attempt to show the Moral Majority that he really was a Christian after all, he awarded the MFT status to the New International Version, which polls showed was used by a majority of Midwestern Christians. Whether this move will work for Bush remains to be seen.

"I don't know why he bothers," said a perturbed Carl Rove, Bush's top political strategist. "We don't need to worry about the Fundamentalists. You think they're gonna vote for Kerry? He's Catholic, for cryin' out loud!"

John Kerry's campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, was not surprised by the move.

"George Bush has been abusing the separation of church and state since 9/11," she said. "As soon as he stood up and spoke in the National Cathedral, we knew that this man was focused on making conservative Christianity the nation's official religion. This is nothing new."

Response among the fundamentalists at the Birmingham hog roast was generally positive. Said attendee Rick Adcock, "I think it's great! Now if we can just get Judge Roy Moore nominated to the Supreme Court!"